Restart button

 It has been a long time since I visited this age-old blog.

So many things have changed since the teen years.

Today marks a new resolution for me, a special commemorative one in terms of personal meaning. 

My priorities will now be placed on cultivating my kids to be the best talent that they can be, as part of my mothering duty towards them. 

I will no longer cling onto the past; it is beyond redemption and no point asking why we have become like this. It is a sorry state of affairs.

I will look forward and invest my time and effort on the kids; and not care too much about the other things. There is a gaping hole and searing pain bleeding on the inside. Once they gain independence, I will be freed too. 

So many internal OS that I want to say, but they get choked up. I know I will never fulfill and meet your expectations; no matter how hard I try. My own perceived best is never enough in your eyes. We used to talk about anything under the sun even when we were apart, but now we barely even get by a day without bickering. Well even that seems like a misrepresentation; more like a one-way chastising and criticizing. Since I stay silent most of the times anw. And reason being is because, anything I say gets misconstrued as being defensive and refusing to admit fault- when in fact I genuinely saw it as stating it as what it is. Over time, I lost my voice. I no longer have the will to quarrel or fight; but simply putting on a nonchalant /passive front to let it slide and pass. That is my coping mechanism; press restart. But in fact, I was only putting up a strong front and deep down I already know things will never be the same as before.

I wished you would stop giving me ultimatums- really.