It’s been an awfully long time since i blogged. Much has changed since the teenage years, and I am not sure exactly where to start. So much is bottled within, waiting to be unleashed. The pent up fury, the feeling of despair - just wanting to give up everything in a heartbeat. IF ONLY. Been wanting to end all of these in forever, but i lack the guts to take the leap or the slash. Everyday is a living hell. But it’s not just about me - the crux is when I am literally breathing hell into the air of people around me. When your existence is not just useless, but causing negative externalities. Intended pun there. 

My life is a lie. I am full of lies too, in the eyes of others. Never daring to own up to my mistakes, always avoiding confrontations, shredding responsibilities. Mother of four, sounds noble and aspiring, but just turning out to be a really lame joke. Why can’t they understand that this is not what i am meant to do, and that I can’t cope? Why is it that others have a choice of not having to bear so many kids, and engage external help/maids? Why is it that i am already doing the chores day in and day out, but it’s never good enough and meeting the basic standards of expectations? Why is it so that I constantly screw up one way or another, despite me spending literally 24/7 at home? Giving up work (albeit unwillingly) has not helped at all. If anything at all, it’s only getting worse. Each and every single day. And even more so since we moved in the past month. I have never felt so down and out before, by the minute.

It has also reached a breaking point that it’s better for me to be invisible and not communicate at all, especially with the mil when the hub isn’t around. Yes, i have done some unspeakable things, not physically, but mostly verbally and psychologically. Now every single interaction seems contrived. As if I need to prove/show evidence that I have spoken up (loudly and clearly enough), but it’s not being reciprocated and i have to stop all of these acts. Actually, it isn’t meant to be this way, but since it is construed as such, as i don’t want to keep defending my words or actions, i just clamp up. Mil says to stop all of these, including all these fake words or offers of help. If so, then be it. It’s actually much easier if I just completely stop communicating with her for the sake of it.